So, what comes next?

Still under lockdown, with an essential worker husband. My son going to panel in March (it was supposed to be February) I finally finished my Creative Writing Master’s Degree – and passed. With Merit.

I’ve kind of been living day by day. By that, I mean that with each day becoming Groundhog Day, my entire focus has been on my children, home, health, and hubby. I have been taking my meds to a strict schedule and still have felt the pangs of depression creeping back up; especially as Feb 20th marked the 3rd year of my Grandmother’s passing.

With it, my brain has gone into several tailspins of over-thinking everything.

I have taken a few moments here and there to try and practice some self-love, appreciate my faith and spirituality, and tentatively worked on finding a happier medium within myself.

I feel like I have great fights ahead of me… my son needs support (as do I, Autism has some painful moments, figuratively and literally) and they are all soon to return to school – according to the government and this year, I want my Nan’s soul to finally have peace. With nothing, holding her back to have that.

Sometimes, it’s enough to make anyone feel overwhelmed when you are facing a lot in your head; add in your own mental health issues and sometimes it feels as if the plates will fall.

Thankfully, I am surrounded by great people and I have immense faith in god. I haven’t been steered wrong.

I’ve had to remind myself every day that I am kick-ass. I mean, in my years on earth, I have achieved a lot. From self-development, planning, keeping plates spinning to achieving far more than the average person. Sometimes, I have to remind myself of that. And keep going.

I think everyone is feeling it, after being in lockdown for so long. It does and will affect you.

Practicing kindness, to others AND yourself, and taking it day-by-day does help.

Sometimes, other things just have to wait.

I’ve also noticed that I have a lot to update with my new qualification, from socials to these websites. Upload a few pieces of writing and streamline certain things, which I will get to.

At the moment, I am trying to get all the children to get back into a proper routine as like many parents, lockdown has meant less structure and with my husband on constant nightshifts, our routines and sleep patterns have synced – so finding a “normality” will be somewhat challenging for us all.

The past is the past…

2020 was pretty much a write-off. We all walked on this tight rope of uncertainty, with a need to protect ourselves and the ones we love. 2021 started the same way. You and I, both, cannot be blamed for feeling extremely cautious. New strains, new vaccines, a new way of living, new rules, new laws and with it, dehumanisation of the simplest of human needs. In the name of health and safety. So, as we begin to climb out of this pandemic, cautiously, one thing I am certain of, is nothing will ever be the same again.

Every day, I say my mantras, affirmations and when my thoughts start to spiral – I try to redirect to the good things. When my grief and hurt feels at times, overwhelming, I look to the present. When I have to get things done, sometimes I make a tick-list or break it down to manageable pieces. I make my coffee, pull up my big girl panties and say: Let’s do this!

What I hope for, for the future is love wins.

Love for my Nan, means that things are finished with – from others actually trying to do good by her and for us to be able to finally light a candle and let her rest in peace. For COVID-19 to die out and those that love & miss each other, to see each other again. For us to remain strong and healthy. For the plates to become lighter and the future to be filled with potential and goodness. For my youngest (and i) to finally have his Autism diagnosis squared away and him to get the support he needs and myself – so we remain strong and balanced. I pray that kids that have missed out on so much – to be able to recover. That those that are sick with this virus, to recover. For this country to recover as a whole.

Love can win. Love will win.

Without darkness, how can we know about the light?

With storms comes rainbows.

As the sun sets, it will always rise.

Thank you,

K

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